I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
