so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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