Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
it's like heaven, but drunker
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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