You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
