How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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