Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
