I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
