On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
