Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
