remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize