Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
