I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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