her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
