i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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