It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
