My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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