Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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