i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
