The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
