I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
please come you make the beer taste better
I wish they made helmets for livers.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
