Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
