i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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