Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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