I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
