You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
