She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
