Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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