We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
