I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
