I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
