ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize