I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
