wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
