i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
