He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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