Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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