My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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