A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
