Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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