just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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