Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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