Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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