I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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