she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
