My hand turned me down
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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