The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
