and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
