Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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