he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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