I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
