I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
