Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
