I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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