last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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