this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
