you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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