I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
