Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
