my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
they need to just BURY HIM!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
