I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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