Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
