My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
