It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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