I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
