I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she looked like the before picture.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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