I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
