There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
