Sry I called you an 8
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
