Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
